September Week

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm approaching the end of the most unproductive week I've ever managed, "managed" is the wrong word actually, rather a week I was a slave to. I'm picking up on patterns of demotivation caused by an over spillage of saying yes to responsibilities I'm not totally sure I want to be accountable for. I'm trying to exercise my "No-ness" but I've failed miserably this past month and I explained it to my brother using a "doggy paddle" analogy. It's as if I was just ready to dry off from a nice swim, and then a crowd of people insist I take another dive. This time I'm doggy paddling excessively to maintain my head above water, and as they watch they continue to pour buckets of water into the already overflowing pool of figurative obligations. I'm there, tongue outside of mouth, hands and legs working furiously to survive, all the while acting like this is tonnes of fun. A stupid and nonsensical analogy and only works to support the recent feedback I've received for my blog from a few people, whose opinion I really do respect.

Apparently, I ramble. 

I've been told that it works as it's relatable but is weak because my posts seem disorganised with no real objective. My response? Well, duh! It's my blog! The place I'm supposed to spill without barrier. If I continue to hold back from saying exactly how I feel everywhere including my own personally developed space, I might as well implode. The relatable comment was "nice" I guess and is most definitely a goal of mine, but I don't want to appear chaotic, rather calm because it's what my writing has done for me.

Aside from writing criticism and the powerlessness to say no to people, I also "managed" (there's that word again) to be a pretty awful person this week. I broke the law twice and contemplated breaking it a third time. No I didn't steal anything, no one is dead (yet), but I illegally drove my car when I am prohibited to do so for the next 3 months (only because I needed to transport it back to my place, and believe me every second behind the wheel that day was nervewracking and painful - no Grande was played in the background to help ease the criminal jitters). I also tossed rubbish out the window, and even though I really really did not want to, I did it anyway. The circumstances that led me to do this shall remain private because I have to acknowledge that as unpopular as my blog remains to be, I have to accept it's a public space and I can still very easily offend people. But I will say this - it was not my first choice but out of the respect of other peoples' cars and my inability to say no (yet again), I did it. And I felt like the Earth, in its already desperate despair, curled inwards with disgust towards me. It would not have surprised me if I had woken up completely eaten by a sinking hole. Which isn't even a joke considering what the Earth's wind and water are doing to other parts of the planet at this very time. A side note: I hope everyone is as safe as possible and that the outcome of recent natural events does not meet a totally destructive conclusion. May Allah make it easy... for everyone.

In other news, the self-care department took a toll this week, to say the least. I used to take great pride in preparing tiny things; pajamas for after I shower, fancy breakfasts, and lists on how to spend my weekends. This week, however, my attention drifted so far away from things that made me feel really good and that only I could give myself. I argued it was a lack of time but the reality is, it's a decision based on priorities. I've woken up most mornings this past week deprived of adequate sleep, mindless of my spiritual well-being, and cannot for the life of me remember what happened an hour ago let alone the day before. 

Some interesting things I've learned:

• Folding/hanging my clothes is a dreaded task I will never ever love, and one day when I am financially able, I will absolutely hire someone to do it for me. Wait a sec... *googles going rate for ironing lady*.
• I've learned this before, and it's a real shame I've had to learn it again, but my tired self is my worst self. I do NOT want to see or speak to anyone when I am tired. And when I do it anyway because according to the adults around me, I need to make the effort (I'm also an adult and believe this is absolute bullshit and won't give anyone that terrible self-negligent advice) I leave a weird stain on social interaction. I don't make sense, I can be insensitive and forgetful and I can drift into incoherent laughter which often induces migraines. Which reminds me I've had 5 this week.
• Lastly, it seems there is still some emotional residue from previous experiences where I was told I don't fit someone else's mold, despite all of the work I have done and continue to do to stabilise myself in knowing this is all I am and people are free to take it or leave it. People still want to dip their toe in my water (that sounds weird, but I'm leaving it there!) and try to change me. NO. I can't be changed unless it's something I really want to do and I've acknowledged the need for change myself. I appreciate people want me to be a part of their lives in one way or another, but I feel I'm being made into some super duper vending machine; kicked, poked and prodded to serve somebody's wants until they walk away licking their fingers with violated delight while I'm stuck; attached to the ground, completely motionless. Is there such thing as an emotional rape? Where someone intrudes into your personal space without your permission and fondles the inner workings of your peace? If you're reading this, don't over think it... call it part of the "ramble".

I was really looking forward to finishing the week off with a spiritual writing workshop in Wilton but unfortunately, consequences leave me here, license-less, sitting at home finishing uni work. If it's payback for what I did to Mother Nature (tossing out the car) then I'll take it on the chin.

Few things are worth celebrating this week, however! I'll insert these happy moments in pictures below.